How I learnt about boundaries and how to stick to them.

When I was young, I was a people pleaser - this was a coping mechanism I learnt as a child. It meant I believed subconsciously it was easier to change to be what other people needed, than rock the boat and be my amazing self (people pleasing is a whole other blog - lol!). This led to having no idea about boundaries. So, I spent a lifetime trying to mold myself, turn myself inside out to please and appease everybody - even strangers. I thought this was my superpower - being able to accommodate anyone. How amazing!! (?)

Until I was 46, I didn’t know what boundaries were or what that term even meant. It wasn’t until I realised the relationship I had been in for 20 years was not working for me anymore and I’d had enough that I finally found my voice and stood up and said - NO MORE! I then worked out what I would accept in a relationship (both intimate or friendship) and how I would allow myself to be treated. That was when I started honoring my boundaries. Sounds easy right? Hahaha. For the next 3 years I went about working out what my boundaries were and learning to stick to them no matter what happened. This took practice and tweaking and understanding and there were setbacks along the way. I lost some people on the journey as they were not happy about the changes. Because now I wouldn’t allow myself to be used, manipulated, disrespected or taken advantage of. And I knew that no matter what I would stick to my own needs and wants instead of conforming to others. Someone said to me once - the only people who don’t like you having boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any in the first place.

So, I am always checking in with myself if this is the right thing for me first & foremost & then agreeing or not to the situation. I know this can sound selfish. I hear you thinking What? Put myself first?? I couldn’t! It’s not right! What will people think??? I don’t want to be seen as selfish. However, what we are not taught growing up is that we have to ensure we look after ourselves first so that we can give to others from a full cup. And the only way to do that is put those boundaries in place and stick to them. In the scenario of no boundaries - there is a person who is giving and giving and giving - but who is looking after them? Nobody - everybody is taking what they need, so what happens to the person? Burnout! But it is not anyone else’s responsibility to look after you - that is your responsibility. And in taking this responsibility & putting it where it should be we find that we can honor ourselves and give to others when we know we can, say no when we know we can’t & we feel good about it & there is never any resentment or burnout!

The journey to understanding my boundaries was a tough road but has been such a rewarding one. The biggest take away was to honor my own needs and wants so that I can be the best version of myself, which then allows me to give freely and feel satisfied in life. And also learning to say no without causing a drama. I have a motto - “Say no with love!” It takes practice but is doable. This then allows me to give even more to others as my cup is always full.

So, throw away the textbook from 1985 on how to look after yourself by putting yourself last and running yourself into the ground! Get with the program & start looking after you so you can then give as much as you want without the resentment or burnout that comes with it. For tools and tips on how to stand in your boundaries book an appointment with me on the link below.

Face to face: https://calendly.com/thelhoh/face-to-face-counselling-hypnotherapy-thursday

Zoom: https://calendly.com/thelhoh/high-vibrations-counselling-hypnotherapy-session